Most people spend their
time thinking negatively about all the “what ifs.” All the things that could go wrong. All the reasons why it won’t work out.
But what if they’re wrong?
“I’m just a
little scared. I feel like I have
butterflies in my stomach.” My daughters
are in the backseat discussing their first trip to an amusement park scheduled
for the next day.
“I like
having butterflies in my stomach!” her younger sister pipes up.
“It’s normal
to be scared.” I intervene
ineffectively, trying to reassure my nine-year old that she will have fun
though my own stomach is turning flips thinking of the physics behind
rollercoaster engineering.
“No, I mean
when you have butterflies in your stomach, it’s more fun!” The little one’s voice trails off as she
turns excitedly to recount to her sister some terrifying ride she loved at the
water park she went to the previous week.
I tune them
out and let her words marinate in my brain.
My youngest
daughter is seven years old and fearless. Not foolish, but fearless. How many Saturday mornings have I spent
searching through the house for her, only to find her perched high on a
bookcase, one foot balancing on the top shelf, the other reaching for the back
of the nearby couch as she assesses the potential risk of using the shelf to
launch herself like a jack-in-the-box into the air. I can see her little face calculating, what’s the worst that could happen? And off she goes, floating through the air,
landing in a fit of delighted giggles on the soft leather cushions below.
I have long given
up trying to keep her in a maternal protective cocoon. Given up interrupting her circus acts. Stopped asking “What if you slip and fall?” “What
if you lose your balance and crack your head open on the edge of the coffee
table?!” I no longer nag and scold but
stand quietly in wonder as she balances precariously on the counter of the
bathroom vanity. She calmly says (before
I can), “I know, I know. This is
probably not a very good idea…but just wait…” And then she proceeds to open the
mirrored door just enough to see her endless reflection on the other side. I stand behind her on high alert just in case.
“Look how many of me there are!” she squeals
gleefully as she clings on the mirror with her free hand to stop from falling.
And I can’t stop myself from smiling at her wonderful discovery. (I admit when
friends have asked me to describe my parenting style I wonder, “Is negligent slacker a style?”)
But her
approach to life is infectious. Fear
never stops her from seizing an adventure.
She is aware of the dangers, but knows only one “what if.”
What if it’s
fun?
***
It’s not brave if you’re not scared.
I’m sitting
on a patio with a friend, enjoying a coffee on one of the last
glorious days of summer. She is relating
to me the gory details of the extensive dental work she has been enduring over
the last weeks since I saw her last.
Like many of
my friends entering middle age, she has neglected her health for years, tending
instead to the needs of her children and family and relegating herself to the
end of her perpetual to do list. But
like others, she has discovered this health management strategy inevitably
ineffective in the long term. A nurse by
profession, she has learned the hard way that one cannot self-medicate symptoms
away indefinitely. When her teeth began
to ache she would just increase the dosage of her homemade cocktails of over
the counter pain meds. Until her fear of
what was wrong became stronger than her fear of finding out. So here she was in front of me explaining how
she was emptying her savings account into a sparkling new smile and a healthy
future.
“I can’t
believe I’m doing this,” she says. “I
was so afraid for so many years. That’s
why I never went to the dentist. But look
at me now. You know I’ve had almost forty
needles in my mouth just this last week?”
My body twitches in sympathy at these details. “Now I don’t even care. They want to inject me, I say bring it on!”
I sip my
cold coffee and push aside my own guilty thoughts of belated checkups.
“But you
know what the best part of all this is?”
She looks me in the eye. I meet
her gaze, lifting my eyes from where I was staring at her mouth, not so subtly
assessing the bruising and swelling around her lips.
“That you’re
going to have a fabulous smile! “ I try
to sound encouraging, but miss the point completely.
“No. You
don’t understand. I was terrified. But now I’ve done it. And now I know I can do anything.”
***
Fear and panic are
different emotions. Fear is
healthy. Panic is deadly.
I have been
asked to speak at a large public panel event.
I am “just a little scared.” It is weeks away but the butterflies are
fluttering away. I procrastinate writing
my speech. Not because I don’t know what
I want to say. The words flow easily in
my mind as I visualize the moment. But
then I panic. The “what ifs” set
in. What if it’s not what the organizers
had in mind? What if I stumble on my
words? What if I forget to say something
important? What If I embarrass myself?
And then I remind myself, I have
survived much worse embarrassment.
***
I am 25
years old. I have been invited to
attend a fundraiser being held in a downtown amphitheatre. The amphitheatre is built around a small indoor skating rink. The organizers have hired a few retired
Olympic skaters to perform as part of the evening’s entertainment. When the skating show is over, they open up
the rink to the public for a free-skate.
I
haven’t skated in years but the wine I drank earlier has loosened my
inhibitions and clearly numbed my judgement.
I emerge from the locker room minutes later, a curious sight in my
cocktail dress and proceed to skate around to classic French rock
tunes as curious onlookers peer down from the mezzanine.
I’m having a
great time. As I speed around the rink
the wind cools my flushed face. I feel
so free and happy.
And then it
happens.
Let’s
rewind. Earlier that day I had agonized
over what to wear. My limited wardrobe
did not offer much in the way of fancy formal wear so I finally settled on a
classic black spaghetti-strapped number made of a knit fabric that clung
comfortably in all the right places. It
was too clingy to bother with standard undergarments but I was 25 years old, carefree
and not really prone to thinking ahead.
Let’s rewind
even further. Grade 11 physics. Newton’s 1st law. An object in motion stays in motion unless
met with an opposing force.
And even
further back. First law of nature learned by any Canadian child. Knit
mittens are useless in a snowball fight because they just stick to the ice and snow.
Flash
forward. There I am, gliding along at a
steady pace when in true form, I stumble and trip. My body flies forward through the air,
finally landing in a full frontal belly flop on the ice. Knit sticks to ice. My cute
dress immediately sticks to the ice BUT (an
object in motion stays in motion) my body continues to travel at the same
velocity, sliding efficiently right out of my dress.
In case
there was any doubt, ice…is… cold.
I look up at
the sea of faces staring at me. They are
all frozen in shock and horror. And in
that surreal moment, as I lay bare breasted on center ice, my brain speeds
through my options. I could definitely panic-
cry, have a meltdown, or run away screaming.
But instead,
I laugh. A real genuine laugh out loud
at the ridiculousness of my predicament.
And as the crowd exhales collectively and a wave of grateful giggles
ripples through the room, I peel my dress off the ice, pull it back on, take a
red-faced bow and glide off to the locker room.
People still say it was the best part of the show that night.
People still say it was the best part of the show that night.
***
I think of
all the things I want to do but haven’t done. Opportunities I haven’t accepted,
apologies I haven’t made, feelings I haven’t expressed, speeches I have yet to
write.
We’re all
scared. We are all brave. But if I don’t leap off the top shelf I will
never know where I might have landed. And maybe it will be painful, maybe I
will lose my balance and fall. Hell,
maybe I’ll end up naked in front of hundreds of people.
Or just
maybe-
…Something
wonderful will happen.
Great blog entry!! So entertaining and so well-written! The visual of the skating story is Hillarious!!! Such great words to ponder and use to reflect upon once in a while....during crises at work or home!! Love it!!
ReplyDeleteThank-you! Aren't we all just a little scared about so many things? But that's ok. It's only by taking that leap that we discover the wonderful things that await us.
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